My Father

Over the years I've tried to figure out my feelings toward my own father but, could never quite pinpoint the feelings. The earliest negative memory I have of my father is when I was about 5 years old. My father had a pretty bad temper and, I discovered much later in life, a knack for drinking a tad too much. He was pretty abusive toward my mother on the verbal spectrum, which if you've ever been on the receiving end, is just like getting smacked in the face, only I believe it leaves a bigger scar. I always heard my parents argue as a child, I think I believed that it was norm. The one memory that sticks out the most was catching my father in a back swing to hit my mother as he had her pinned up against the cupboards. All I remember doing at that moment was running and getting in between them. The look on my mothers face is embedded in my mind. It was a look of sheer fear and familiarity. I could tell, even at 5, that it wasn't the first time. Throughout my life, I've been pretty upset, hell even raging mad at girls, but I have never ever hit one. I made a commitment at the ripe old age of 5 that I would never be the cause of that look that I saw on my mother's face that day.


When my mother left a short time after, we all had mixed feelings about it. As kids we felt betrayed and abandoned. We knew what we knew about their fights but we couldn't help but to feel really bad for our father. Especially my other brothers and my sister. They just got left with someone who was not their biological father. The single best thing my father ever did was that. He took in 3 kids who were not his and raised them to adulthood.


I learned around the same time that my father had been previously married. That part I didn't care about but, I did care that I had another brother out there. We shared the same father and that was a bond that I cherished. I never understood why he was never around and why my father never saw him. It was many years later that I figured it out.


Fast forward some years. My father did pretty good for us growing up. He did what he could for 3 kids. The only problem was, he was terrible with money. He made pretty decent money as a mechanic at a diesel shop. I remember seeing one of his paychecks and his bring home was in the $1200 range. Back in the early 80's, that was huge money. He was always broke and never around. I was too young to get it or understand but I was well aware of it. My father ended up dating a woman, whom he is currently married to, that had her own family. She didn't work but had bills. I think I figured out how she paid them and why my father was always broke. Her family was the center of his life now. My siblings and I were suddenly on the back burner. I had my own things going on so I didn't pay to much attention but my siblings did. Slowly they moved out. Not on their own accord either. My oldest brother decided not to put up with the crap early on and got his own place right out of school. My sister joined the Navy for her own reasons but told me she hated his girlfriend. Then there is my other brother, he got kicked out. He was a little psycho and she didn't like him. He had no place to go so he joined the Marines. That left me. I felt the pressure right from the start. She was bound and determined to get rid of his kids. I was pretty stubborn and wasn't budging. Not to mention, on drugs. She gave her the option, it was her or me. I was thoroughly shocked when she moved out.


They never split up but she was not under the same roof as I, for now. I think that lasted for a year. Then we all got an apartment together and became one big happy family. Not! I really went to the back burner at this point. I got deeper into my own troubles but was well aware of my surroundings at home. I decided it was best if I was there as little as possible. I can remember sleeping on beaches, rocks, abandoned cars, strangers houses. I had a home but wasn't really welcomed there. I finally understood it. When my father was done with one family, he set them aside and worked on the next one. I felt like absolute crap that I was the one who replaced my fathers first son. My brother, John and I, talked about this later in life. I apologized to him but, he told me it wasn't my fault and if it wasn't me, it would have been someone else. We are closer now than ever before.


As you know, my father moved to Vegas, left me high and dry and a few years later, came back. I didn't care to see him ever again. Little did I know, he was far from done influencing my life.


When I bought my first house I discovered a lot about my father. His financial situation was a little more dire than I ever knew. When the bank pulled my credit report, I was expecting the standard, "you have no credit" speech but, what I got was shocking. They told me they couldn't help because I had never paid a bill in my entire life. I don't know if I mentioned this but, my grandfather, my father and I all share the same name. My father took full advantage of that. Little did I know but I purchased a new vehicle when I was 11, and decided paying it off would be a bad thing. My credit was full of negative unpaid things. It was bad enough that I didn't even have a credit score. I ended up having to fill out a ton of paperwork and got it all removed. I was even asked if I wanted to press charges. I turned it down, as he is my father.


I ran into a similar situation when I purchased my second home, the one I am in now. Only this time there were only a few things and he was no longer using my social security number, the debtors were just going after someone with the same name. I once again, got that all cleared up.

When my wife, Heather got sick we ran into some tough financial situations. In order to save the house we had to do some things with the mortgage company to get current and restructure the deal. Upon doing the title search for my house, they discovered 6 liens on my house. I've owed people money but never to the point where that would happen. The bank sent the paperwork to me and lo and behold, they were all my fathers bills. I signed the proper paperwork and moved on. A few years ago, I went to refinance my house and ran into the exact same problem. 5 liens on my house. One for 26k dollars. I was pissed at this point. I called my father and explained to him the situation and his exact words to me were "it's not my problem." I went ballistic. I called him every name I could muster up. I spoke to a lawyer who guided me in the right direction and because debtors put liens on things without verifying social security numbers, there was nothing I could do to my father. I paid a fee to file a piece of paper with the county clerks office so that if I ever decide to sell my house, I can do so. The people he owes money to, can not come after me for the money he owes, but they will always have that lien on my property.

I left out an important tidbit that will really drive home the point of my fathers mentality. My grandfather passed away years ago. I was pretty close to him and he promised me a pocketwatch that has been in the family for years. He said I could have it "as soon as I got my head out of my ass" He showed it to me, and I've never seen it since. In the bottom of my heart I want to believe my father still has it but, in all reality, I know he sold it. My grandmother passed away some years after my grandfather and left my Dad some money to pay for the funeral and a little money to split between him and my aunt. Aparently, we found out later, my father spent the money before she even passed away. He sold all of there things from their home and left us kids nothing. I have a few things that my great uncle gave me that I hold very dear to my heart. My heritage is very important to me and I will hang onto everything I have. As for my Grandmothers funeral, the bill is on my desk and it will be paid. Somehow, some day.

I've been in my house for just over 8 years now, my father has never seen it. I have 3 kids, my father has seen them twice. They don't really know who he is and that's ok. Anyone can be a father but, it takes someone special to be a Dad.

I've learned 4 very important lessons from my father:
1)Never name your child after yourself (it's an ego thing)
2)Never, ever hit a woman
3)Never, ever abandone your family (in the end, that's all you have)
&
4)Pay your damn bills!


For all the things he has done, he is still my father. Heather understands that, but hates him. He's done enough damage. I myself have never hated someone so much, but loved them at the same time.