My Dad

I received a phone call at 6am on May 8th. It was from my brother and he didn't sound good. He informed me that my father was being taken by ambulance to the hospital. He wasn't sure what shape he was in but he had suffered a heart attack.

I am almost ashamed to admit that I was very hesitant in going to the hospital. I figured he'd be alright and I didn't need to be there for that. If you have followed this blog, you will know that my relationship with me Dad was not the greatest. I went for 2 reasons. 1 - He is my Dad, no matter what has happened in the past. 2 - My brother needed me to be there. He was not handling it well at all.

I rushed to the hospital as fast as I could. The whole while my mind was going over my life. All the things that have happened between us. I wasn't sure that I was ready to hear what was going to happen. When I arrived there my brother met me outside. I knew from the look on his face that it wasn't good. He told me that Dad hadn't made it. He suffered a massive heart attack.

I'm not sure what to think, what to feel, what to do. As much as he pissed me off, I love him. Up until I was 15, he was there for me. For awhile, it was just him and I. On the same note, I am mad at all the things that happened. What he did to my Grandmother and what little money she had, what happened to my Grandparents things, what he did to me financially, my house he never got to see, my kids he never got to know. It wasn't fair. He made his life with his new wife and left behind his real family. His flesh and blood. He did it to John, and then he did it to me. His 2 only flesh and blood sons and he walked away. It's just not fair.

But, he is my Dad.

Even in death he came out smelling like a rose. His funeral was paid for, his plot was bought. A headstone will be put up. Paid for, not by insurance, not by a generous wife and her family but by my brother and I. We did it all. We picked everything out, planned every bit, called all the family we could. He never paid for the remainder of my Grandmothers funeral so in order for him to be taken care of properly, we had to pay that too. I didn't have $11,000. My brother didn't have $11,000. Who the hell has that kind of money just laying around in this day and age. We did the only thing we could do and pulled it from our retirement. We could have had him cremated and spared the funeral all together. It would have been so much cheaper, so much easier.

But, he is my Dad.

I'm not sure how I feel. I think I mentioned that before. I find myself thinking about him all the time. Like now, he is on my mind and it eats me up inside. My Dad taught me many things in my life that I will never forget. Never start a fight but, if you end up in one, finish it. Never name a child after yourself. Pay your bills, they don't ever go away. Never ever walk out on your children, ever! And the one thing he taught me at the end, tell those people close to you that you love them every day. One day you will wake up and they won't be there any more.

I love you Dad!

My Sister

My sister lives in Portland Oregon. We are pretty close and try to stay in touch as much as possible. Whenever she comes to town, which isn't very much, she will stay with us. I was the one who stuck up for her on the bus and backed her up when I could. She did the same for me. She hasn't had the easiest of lives either and I believe that's why we get along like we do. My wife and her are very close as well. So close it's scary sometimes. When they were in town last year, the scene at the airport was rather depressing between the two of them. You'd think they were saying goodbye forever. Man O Man!

Well, my sister called me a couple days ago out of the blue. I was a little nervous at first because she usually shoots me an email instead of racking up the phone bill. It was nice to hear her voice. She informed me that both her and her husband were being deployed to Iraq in April 2009. They will be deployed for approximately one year. That fact in itself makes me a tad nervous. She's a tough girl and I know she'll be OK. She told me that she was the only person she trusted to raise her kids the way she wants and would like me to take them for the year they are gone.

I was a little blown away by this. The kids real father lives not too far from where she lives but he's about as capable as pouring water in a paper bag. It'll work but only for a very very short time. She has some papers for me to fill out and such. Her kids are older so it's not too bad. They are 12, 16 and 19. The 19 year old doesn't have to come but, I'd rather keep them all together. Why separate them more than needed. I'm lucky enough to have a pretty big house and really have no problem with space. I just have to finish off part of my basement and add a stand up shower to my half bath. All this I was planning on doing anyway but now, I definitely have to get it going. Any one out there with a hammer can come help. I'll supply beverages and food.

As for the cost, well, my sister will completely cover any and all expenses for the kids. She'll be sending me their money to take care of them. They have no bills so I will be able to put away a lot of money for my sister and bro in law. My goal will be to have enough saved for them to put a rather large down payment on a home. They deserve that. My life will get pretty interesting next April. It'll be fun, that's for sure.

I'm not a very religious person but, I'll be praying for them as I do all our service men and women. Thanks for all you people do. Without you, this country is non existent.

As for my sister, Thank you for having the faith in me!

My Father

Over the years I've tried to figure out my feelings toward my own father but, could never quite pinpoint the feelings. The earliest negative memory I have of my father is when I was about 5 years old. My father had a pretty bad temper and, I discovered much later in life, a knack for drinking a tad too much. He was pretty abusive toward my mother on the verbal spectrum, which if you've ever been on the receiving end, is just like getting smacked in the face, only I believe it leaves a bigger scar. I always heard my parents argue as a child, I think I believed that it was norm. The one memory that sticks out the most was catching my father in a back swing to hit my mother as he had her pinned up against the cupboards. All I remember doing at that moment was running and getting in between them. The look on my mothers face is embedded in my mind. It was a look of sheer fear and familiarity. I could tell, even at 5, that it wasn't the first time. Throughout my life, I've been pretty upset, hell even raging mad at girls, but I have never ever hit one. I made a commitment at the ripe old age of 5 that I would never be the cause of that look that I saw on my mother's face that day.


When my mother left a short time after, we all had mixed feelings about it. As kids we felt betrayed and abandoned. We knew what we knew about their fights but we couldn't help but to feel really bad for our father. Especially my other brothers and my sister. They just got left with someone who was not their biological father. The single best thing my father ever did was that. He took in 3 kids who were not his and raised them to adulthood.


I learned around the same time that my father had been previously married. That part I didn't care about but, I did care that I had another brother out there. We shared the same father and that was a bond that I cherished. I never understood why he was never around and why my father never saw him. It was many years later that I figured it out.


Fast forward some years. My father did pretty good for us growing up. He did what he could for 3 kids. The only problem was, he was terrible with money. He made pretty decent money as a mechanic at a diesel shop. I remember seeing one of his paychecks and his bring home was in the $1200 range. Back in the early 80's, that was huge money. He was always broke and never around. I was too young to get it or understand but I was well aware of it. My father ended up dating a woman, whom he is currently married to, that had her own family. She didn't work but had bills. I think I figured out how she paid them and why my father was always broke. Her family was the center of his life now. My siblings and I were suddenly on the back burner. I had my own things going on so I didn't pay to much attention but my siblings did. Slowly they moved out. Not on their own accord either. My oldest brother decided not to put up with the crap early on and got his own place right out of school. My sister joined the Navy for her own reasons but told me she hated his girlfriend. Then there is my other brother, he got kicked out. He was a little psycho and she didn't like him. He had no place to go so he joined the Marines. That left me. I felt the pressure right from the start. She was bound and determined to get rid of his kids. I was pretty stubborn and wasn't budging. Not to mention, on drugs. She gave her the option, it was her or me. I was thoroughly shocked when she moved out.


They never split up but she was not under the same roof as I, for now. I think that lasted for a year. Then we all got an apartment together and became one big happy family. Not! I really went to the back burner at this point. I got deeper into my own troubles but was well aware of my surroundings at home. I decided it was best if I was there as little as possible. I can remember sleeping on beaches, rocks, abandoned cars, strangers houses. I had a home but wasn't really welcomed there. I finally understood it. When my father was done with one family, he set them aside and worked on the next one. I felt like absolute crap that I was the one who replaced my fathers first son. My brother, John and I, talked about this later in life. I apologized to him but, he told me it wasn't my fault and if it wasn't me, it would have been someone else. We are closer now than ever before.


As you know, my father moved to Vegas, left me high and dry and a few years later, came back. I didn't care to see him ever again. Little did I know, he was far from done influencing my life.


When I bought my first house I discovered a lot about my father. His financial situation was a little more dire than I ever knew. When the bank pulled my credit report, I was expecting the standard, "you have no credit" speech but, what I got was shocking. They told me they couldn't help because I had never paid a bill in my entire life. I don't know if I mentioned this but, my grandfather, my father and I all share the same name. My father took full advantage of that. Little did I know but I purchased a new vehicle when I was 11, and decided paying it off would be a bad thing. My credit was full of negative unpaid things. It was bad enough that I didn't even have a credit score. I ended up having to fill out a ton of paperwork and got it all removed. I was even asked if I wanted to press charges. I turned it down, as he is my father.


I ran into a similar situation when I purchased my second home, the one I am in now. Only this time there were only a few things and he was no longer using my social security number, the debtors were just going after someone with the same name. I once again, got that all cleared up.

When my wife, Heather got sick we ran into some tough financial situations. In order to save the house we had to do some things with the mortgage company to get current and restructure the deal. Upon doing the title search for my house, they discovered 6 liens on my house. I've owed people money but never to the point where that would happen. The bank sent the paperwork to me and lo and behold, they were all my fathers bills. I signed the proper paperwork and moved on. A few years ago, I went to refinance my house and ran into the exact same problem. 5 liens on my house. One for 26k dollars. I was pissed at this point. I called my father and explained to him the situation and his exact words to me were "it's not my problem." I went ballistic. I called him every name I could muster up. I spoke to a lawyer who guided me in the right direction and because debtors put liens on things without verifying social security numbers, there was nothing I could do to my father. I paid a fee to file a piece of paper with the county clerks office so that if I ever decide to sell my house, I can do so. The people he owes money to, can not come after me for the money he owes, but they will always have that lien on my property.

I left out an important tidbit that will really drive home the point of my fathers mentality. My grandfather passed away years ago. I was pretty close to him and he promised me a pocketwatch that has been in the family for years. He said I could have it "as soon as I got my head out of my ass" He showed it to me, and I've never seen it since. In the bottom of my heart I want to believe my father still has it but, in all reality, I know he sold it. My grandmother passed away some years after my grandfather and left my Dad some money to pay for the funeral and a little money to split between him and my aunt. Aparently, we found out later, my father spent the money before she even passed away. He sold all of there things from their home and left us kids nothing. I have a few things that my great uncle gave me that I hold very dear to my heart. My heritage is very important to me and I will hang onto everything I have. As for my Grandmothers funeral, the bill is on my desk and it will be paid. Somehow, some day.

I've been in my house for just over 8 years now, my father has never seen it. I have 3 kids, my father has seen them twice. They don't really know who he is and that's ok. Anyone can be a father but, it takes someone special to be a Dad.

I've learned 4 very important lessons from my father:
1)Never name your child after yourself (it's an ego thing)
2)Never, ever hit a woman
3)Never, ever abandone your family (in the end, that's all you have)
&
4)Pay your damn bills!


For all the things he has done, he is still my father. Heather understands that, but hates him. He's done enough damage. I myself have never hated someone so much, but loved them at the same time.