I received a phone call at 6am on May 8th. It was from my brother and he didn't sound good. He informed me that my father was being taken by ambulance to the hospital. He wasn't sure what shape he was in but he had suffered a heart attack.
I am almost ashamed to admit that I was very hesitant in going to the hospital. I figured he'd be alright and I didn't need to be there for that. If you have followed this blog, you will know that my relationship with me Dad was not the greatest. I went for 2 reasons. 1 - He is my Dad, no matter what has happened in the past. 2 - My brother needed me to be there. He was not handling it well at all.
I rushed to the hospital as fast as I could. The whole while my mind was going over my life. All the things that have happened between us. I wasn't sure that I was ready to hear what was going to happen. When I arrived there my brother met me outside. I knew from the look on his face that it wasn't good. He told me that Dad hadn't made it. He suffered a massive heart attack.
I'm not sure what to think, what to feel, what to do. As much as he pissed me off, I love him. Up until I was 15, he was there for me. For awhile, it was just him and I. On the same note, I am mad at all the things that happened. What he did to my Grandmother and what little money she had, what happened to my Grandparents things, what he did to me financially, my house he never got to see, my kids he never got to know. It wasn't fair. He made his life with his new wife and left behind his real family. His flesh and blood. He did it to John, and then he did it to me. His 2 only flesh and blood sons and he walked away. It's just not fair.
But, he is my Dad.
Even in death he came out smelling like a rose. His funeral was paid for, his plot was bought. A headstone will be put up. Paid for, not by insurance, not by a generous wife and her family but by my brother and I. We did it all. We picked everything out, planned every bit, called all the family we could. He never paid for the remainder of my Grandmothers funeral so in order for him to be taken care of properly, we had to pay that too. I didn't have $11,000. My brother didn't have $11,000. Who the hell has that kind of money just laying around in this day and age. We did the only thing we could do and pulled it from our retirement. We could have had him cremated and spared the funeral all together. It would have been so much cheaper, so much easier.
But, he is my Dad.
I'm not sure how I feel. I think I mentioned that before. I find myself thinking about him all the time. Like now, he is on my mind and it eats me up inside. My Dad taught me many things in my life that I will never forget. Never start a fight but, if you end up in one, finish it. Never name a child after yourself. Pay your bills, they don't ever go away. Never ever walk out on your children, ever! And the one thing he taught me at the end, tell those people close to you that you love them every day. One day you will wake up and they won't be there any more.
I love you Dad!
I am almost ashamed to admit that I was very hesitant in going to the hospital. I figured he'd be alright and I didn't need to be there for that. If you have followed this blog, you will know that my relationship with me Dad was not the greatest. I went for 2 reasons. 1 - He is my Dad, no matter what has happened in the past. 2 - My brother needed me to be there. He was not handling it well at all.
I rushed to the hospital as fast as I could. The whole while my mind was going over my life. All the things that have happened between us. I wasn't sure that I was ready to hear what was going to happen. When I arrived there my brother met me outside. I knew from the look on his face that it wasn't good. He told me that Dad hadn't made it. He suffered a massive heart attack.
I'm not sure what to think, what to feel, what to do. As much as he pissed me off, I love him. Up until I was 15, he was there for me. For awhile, it was just him and I. On the same note, I am mad at all the things that happened. What he did to my Grandmother and what little money she had, what happened to my Grandparents things, what he did to me financially, my house he never got to see, my kids he never got to know. It wasn't fair. He made his life with his new wife and left behind his real family. His flesh and blood. He did it to John, and then he did it to me. His 2 only flesh and blood sons and he walked away. It's just not fair.
But, he is my Dad.
Even in death he came out smelling like a rose. His funeral was paid for, his plot was bought. A headstone will be put up. Paid for, not by insurance, not by a generous wife and her family but by my brother and I. We did it all. We picked everything out, planned every bit, called all the family we could. He never paid for the remainder of my Grandmothers funeral so in order for him to be taken care of properly, we had to pay that too. I didn't have $11,000. My brother didn't have $11,000. Who the hell has that kind of money just laying around in this day and age. We did the only thing we could do and pulled it from our retirement. We could have had him cremated and spared the funeral all together. It would have been so much cheaper, so much easier.
But, he is my Dad.
I'm not sure how I feel. I think I mentioned that before. I find myself thinking about him all the time. Like now, he is on my mind and it eats me up inside. My Dad taught me many things in my life that I will never forget. Never start a fight but, if you end up in one, finish it. Never name a child after yourself. Pay your bills, they don't ever go away. Never ever walk out on your children, ever! And the one thing he taught me at the end, tell those people close to you that you love them every day. One day you will wake up and they won't be there any more.
I love you Dad!
